I wish this was a warm and fuzzy post, but it’s not going to be. It’s some thoughts that I’ve been sitting with for a while and as Hanukkah is approaching I found myself feeling ready to get out of my head and on the screen.
Over the years I’ve learned so much about myself, including that I was/am genetically Jewish a few years ago. However, that’s not completely accurate.
I connected with my maternal grandfather in my early 20s after never having him in my life. I wasn’t ready for that relationship and I stepped back for a few years. Since then, we’ve reconnected and I’ve learned that he’s 12% Jewish and my grandmother was very, very Jewish. Before meeting my grandfather, I met my mother’s brother. Through our brief interaction I learned that my mom was/is Jewish. My uncle practices Judaism and is really proud of his heritage. My limited knowledge and ignorance of what all this meant for me at the time let me brush it off. My mother had never talked about being Jewish or what culture and religion looked like for her growing up. She had also pretended that her family was dead – that’s a whole other mess, let me tell you.
When I took a 23andMe test in 2021, I learned that I wasn’t just Jewish on my mom’s side, but also on my biological father’s side as well. I never knew him, and honestly, I’m completely ok with that. This is why I opted out of the family tree portion of 23andMe. After getting my results, I teased with a friend, I knew I was a little bit Jewish, but I’m 74% Jewish – that’s not a little.
This was the moment that I decided that I wanted to learn more and figure out if this was something that I wanted to be a part of my life. Last year, I wrote a blog post about how I was struggling with my Jewishness. A lot of this is from my perfectionism, but also from questioning and judgement I felt when I interacted with those who had known they were Jewish their whole life.
I didn’t realize how being Jewish meant more than practicing Judaism.
You can be religiously Jewish and practice Judaism. You can be culturally or genetically Jewish, which is someone who’s proud of their heritage, but doesn’t practice Judaism. The history of the Jews is heavily woven into Judaism, which also makes holidays a bit interesting for me as an agnostic Jew. Luckily, like secular Christianity, secular Jews exist and I think that’s pretty much where I bob around.
I’ve felt relieved since I started giving myself permission to show up how I want to during the holidays, which means I practice Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Hanukkah and Christmas. I don’t practice Yom Kippur, I don’t pray or say traditional phrases, but I give time for reflection and think about what I want in the new year.
The past few months have felt heavy as the tragedies that are still happening in Gaza have triggered a rise in antisemitism and islamophobia globally. Antisemitic fliers were distributed in a neighborhood across the city that I live in. There has been misinformation being shared and assumptions made. It’s clear we only see what we want to see.
There is a deep history of violence and oppression, and a lot of other things that I know I will screw up trying to list out that led to Hamas’s attack in Israel, which is what led to Israel’s reaction.
It all makes me angry. And I guess this is what war looks like when we are hyperconnected.
As someone who preaches the importance of duality, I’ve noticed how it went out the window. The discussions online, the media coverage – it is hard to gather information and learn a whole perspective. Like, the creation of Israel may have been thought to be helpful for Jews and it also caused harm to those who were living there.
Not all Palestinians support Hamas, just like not all Jews support the government of Israel, just like not all Americans support the GOP or Ultra-conservative movement that was brought to light under the Trump administration.
I’ve heard people say that Israel has the right to defend itself, but would you let the bigger kid keep beating up the smaller one even if the small kid took the first swing? You could say that this is what war looks like – we should use appropriate labels. Call it what is. This is genocide. This is intentional.
The destruction to infrastructure, the number of deaths that have occurred – it makes my heart hurt. The reactions here at home in the US have also made it hard to be proud to be Jewish – the antisemitic sentiment and violent language as well as grouping Jews together and assuming we all are pro-Israel – I am not.
This Christmukkah season my heart is heavy, my brain is tired and I will do what I can to contribute to inclusive, trauma-informed spaces that support all.
