There are times I sit at my computer and I know exactly what I want to say. There are mornings like this where I’ve started a post, and deleted it over and over and over.
Today’s deleted topics include: sharing a blog post I wrote for class on conflicts of interest in dietary recommendations, talking about my semester, discussing life transitions, talking about water goals.
So instead of writing on a specific topic, I’m going to free write to help me process through the scramble of thoughts I have and the feeling I have in my body.
Here’s where I am:
I’m sitting in my office and other than my fingers on the keys, I hear the water fountain I have in the dining room for my cats, Oliver and Winston. I hear the hum of the heater that just kicked on, which I’m excited about because even wrapped in sweats, my feet are freezing. I hear the fridge humming too.
It’s never this quiet in the house because the quiet makes me uneasy.
When it’s quiet I can pick out all of the sounds that are typically in the background. I can also hear and feel my pulse. This morning I can feel my pulse more than hear it and it’s sitting in my throat.
I’m noticing that I’m distracted this morning.
I’m task switching a bit more often than I usually do. Task switching is what people call multitasking, but for me, I’m actively switching between 3 to 5 or 6 tasks. I acknowledge when I need a break from one and go to another. This is something that helps me be productive, but it also helps me get fresh eyes on things by stepping back.
I don’t want to task switch this morning though. While I have things on my to-do list, nothing is urgent. But I’m noticing in my body that I feel a huge sense of urgency. This may also be anxiety.
I kind of want to sit with this feeling and process it to get through it, instead of ignore it though. I guess this is also why I’m writing it out.
Task switching is a way for me to be productive on a normal day. But paired with the feeling of urgency tells me that I’m trying to distract myself and I’m moving too fast.
In the past, filling my time happened as a way to cope through stressed and gave me ways to avoid my feelings. However, as it became a habit, I got used to busy, which made free or available time anxiety-inducing. I felt like I was missing something or I wasn’t working hard enough.
The past few years I’ve tried to be more intentional with how I’m spending my time personally and professionally. So recognizing this today is interesting as I’m working through tasks.
And reflecting on this, I’m able to affirm that this is why I set intentions and goals after finals. I knew it would feel odd with the term ending. It feels like closure after a few other big transitions this fall.
I wanted to make sure that I was being realistic with myself about what I wanted to do. Not just with my health goals, but with work and preparing for the next semester. Also, with the emotions and thoughts that come with the holiday season, colder weather, and my girlfriend deployed.
The feeling of urgency is decreasing, but I still don’t feel like myself today. Maybe acknowledging that today feels like a tough wave and it will pass is good enough. Letting my thoughts rush around, typing things out and reading them and deleting them and rewriting them the past few hours has also been helpful to get through it.
